She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
