Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i've created a new STD.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
