38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
