we have pet lesbian snakes
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.