I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit