four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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