Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
