Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
