Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
