I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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