as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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