i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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