dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
