i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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