I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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