The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
