Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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