I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
