Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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