I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
sarcasm needs its own font
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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