i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
