things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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