I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You ruined the universe
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
