you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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