Can i not drive my cunt home
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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