i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
