what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
