I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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