we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
