yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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