It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is Oprah even human
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
