is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
