Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
