i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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