and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
