Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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