she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
