note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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