what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
