Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
