Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
