I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
