I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You need a sexual gate keeper
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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