got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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