Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
