My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
