M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
