all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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