He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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