I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
