were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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