watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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