you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
