The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
