I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
