Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
