there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
