Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
