Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
