You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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